Lucrecia's Pain
by Fujin Kazano
Summary: A short story about Lucrecia her thoughts, her choices, her regrets, her pain. lucreciavincent


_Vincent…_ Lucrecia thought to herself as she lay against the corner of her cell. She was an inmate… an inmate of her own mind, will and decision. --_Too many mistakes,--_ she thought, --_just too many… he could never love me again, has that feeling really passed? Is it so easily thrown away and discarded at the sight of another?!--_ She brought her knees up to her chest, hugging them. --_Do I deserve to be alone after all I did?--_ Tears streamed down her face and she shut her eyes. --_Why do I still love him?! I was the one that left him… I was the one who caused all of his pain and torment… but, wasn't it for the best? I thought… I thought that if he waited for me… if he could wait for me, that he would still love me. Am I wrong? Is he lying to me?--_ Gentle sobs came now and she let herself slide to the floor. ---_I want to be alone… but I want to be loved, what is wrong with me?!--- _

"What is wrong with me….."

_---Sleep came and took her soul to the dream world she belonged to far too often. She dreamt of black hair, those gentle brown eyes that gracefully captured her own. A smile crept upon his lips as his eyes closed and kissed her forehead. "I love you, and only you, Lucrecia… you are the only one for me. The only one that could ever fill me…" he told her softly. "I'll always wait for you, no matter the price, no matter what." _

_The world around them turned and twisted, but all Lucrecia could think about was Vincent, her love, holding her. "Please, just hold me a little longer… please, don't let me go! Vincent… I'm so sorry! For everything! I-I only wanted the best for you… and I know it wasn't me…. But I still love you! I still want you!"_

"_Lucrecia… don't cry anymore."_

"_It hurts being away from you! It hurts seeing you with her! I just want you to be happy… but I only want you to be happy with me! I'm so selfish…"_

"_Lucrecia." Vincent's voice was demanding and drew her eyes to his. Suddenly they were standing amongst a storm. Lightening ravished the skies and thunder shook the ground. Harsh rain drenched Lucrecia, although Vincent seemed untouched by it all. The storm was coming from his eyes. He took her chin in his hand gently as he looked down to her._

"_I love you, Vincent. You and only you," she confessed, her eyes pleading. _

"_I hate you."_

_The ground shook violently and the clouds above them clashed. Lucrecia held her head in her hands and fell to her knees screaming in agony, in pain. ---_

Lucrecia awoke slowly, the scene still fresh behind her eyelids. She wanted to hold onto it… hold onto the sight of Vincent, the one who has forbidden himself to ever gaze upon her again. Her cheeks were wet, but she wasn't crying now… that had passed. She sniffled and wiped away all evidence of it as she lifted herself up to lean against her corner. That hard, concrete space that she had taken refuge in after his harsh words against her.

She deserved it, in her own mind. She doesn't deserve to be happy with anyone… especially him. He had every right to hate her and never see her again, but that doesn't mean she couldn't want. Just to feel him again, to touch him again, and to run her fingers through his soft, black hair once more.

Her heart fluttered, then sank. It became an emptiness that she knew she would never fill… a grave she had dug herself and is just laying in it, waiting for death to take her.

_--A grave…--_ she thought bitterly. Lucrecia stretched herself out, lying on the dirty floor while propping herself up on the wall behind her. She reached for her cigarettes and lit one. --_Perhaps I dug my own grave when I met him… if it hadn't been for him then neither of us would ever know this pain! He fell in love with me the moment he met me. 'Love at first sight' he told me… but where is that love now?!--_ Memories floated back to her as she continuously puffed her cigarette.

_---"I will wait for you as long as it takes. No matter what." Vincent said lovingly as he sat across from her. She merely shook her head._

"_I don't know how long it will be!" Lucrecia said. She told him she didn't want him to wait for her, that he should try to find happiness else where. But deep down, all she wanted was for him to take her in his arms and tell her everything was going to be alright. That he will wait for her until the end of time. And he did… promise it, that is. But soon after he was looking around. Stories of him floating around amongst friends and Lucrecia couldn't bare it. Vincent denied everything… until Lucrecia asked his 'new love' herself and she told her everything. _

"_But I would always think of you!" He had told her. _

"_Bullshit," Lucrecia thought aloud. But even after that ordeal… after all the pain he had caused her, she still wanted him back. She still yearned to be warm in his embrace. Not for sex, but for love. ----_

"Fucking asshole!" She yelled at her second cigarette, which was already lighted. She remembered those times when they weren't supposed to be together. When he was taken, but he would still go to her for sex and affection. Was that how he loved her?! Was that the only thing that truly mattered?!

_-----"I can't see you anymore," Vincent had told her. His eyes averted._

"_Why? What's wrong? What has happened?" Lucrecia held herself back to avoid throwing herself into his arms. _

"_You have… this power over me. I can't resist you!" _

"_Isn't that a good thing?! You have the same power over me! But isn't that a good thing for two people who love each other to have?"_

"_No! You're going to be gone! For six years! You're not going to be here! I need someone who's here, who I can be with."_

"…_what are you saying?"_

"_I'm saying that if and when you come back, if I still love you, then… then I don't know, ok?!"_

"_Vincent… but you told me you would wait for me! What about all of those things that you promised me?! To be together when I come back… I'm not going to be gone for six years straight, I'll be back periodically!"_

"_But not all the time."_

"…_you won't wait for me… you don't want me, is that it?! You've found someone else to love! To hold you! To sleep with you! You don't love me!"_

"_I do love you, don't say that… I just can't be with you."_

"_WHY NOT?! Why?!"_

"…_because you're leaving… and I want to be alone for awhile…"_

"_BULL-FUCKING-SHIT!"_

"_I need someone who'll be there! Who I can see! Who I can feel."_

'_You're just looking for someone to fuck and won't hold out on you… who you can screw anytime of the day you feel the urge. That's all you want.' Lucrecia thought to herself bitterly. Heat rose from her cheeks to her eyes in seconds and she had to control her speech perfectly, lest to prevent sobbing. "You. Don't. Love. Me."_

"_Yes I do. I just can't be with you."_

"_If you loved me, you would be with me! If you loved me, then you would wait for me!"_

"_Lucrecia…"_

"_YOU DON'T LOVE ME!" ----_

Lucrecia messaged her temples roughly. ---_What was that… about him wanting to be alone…. Fucking liar. He's just telling me that to 'spare me the pain'. Yeah right… It would hurt worse if I showed up there and caught him sleeping with someone else. Actually, I remember before that incident, him talking to me about a woman named 'Nicole'. And how she wanted to be with him and such… and he didn't know if he should or not… hmm. Odd. By my definition of 'alone', that means not being involved with anyone and he obviously wanted to be involved with her. Shit… I think too much._

Without thinking, she lit up another cigarette. "I lost the thing that was most dear to me…" she thought aloud. Laughing bitterly at her memory. "I can't remember exact conversations with Vincent but I can remember the poems about him…. Pitiful…" but Lucrecia couldn't get the poem out of her head. It sat there like steam from a boiling kettle. She looked down at her burning cigarette blankly and watched it turn to ash. She found herself unable to lift her arms or even her head.

"I lost the thing that was most dear to me... a long time ago, something bad happened to me. It still makes my heart ach… It made me very, very, very… sad. It was very painful. It hurt a lot when I lost something so dear. But I am searching… that is why I am searching.

"I am me,

That's who I am. And I am it that is who I am. I am myself, but still all the more…. To love me because I am me. I can love because that person is that person--- the one just for me.

"I know—one person---fills me up completely. I'm happy when that person laughs. I'm happy when that person is by my side. He's different from the others; this person is special.

"-You found him-my dearest-my special-the one just for me. I hope he finds me, just as I found him. And then fell in love because he was who he was. I hope he finds me. Things that I can do because I am me and things I cannot do because I am me. I hope he finds them…. And…. I hope he falls in love with me because I am who I am.

"From amongst all those people and things—I want him to find me, I want him to fall in love… with _me_.

"But... if he cannot find me…."

A chill went up Lucrecia's spine. She was so cold now it was becoming unbearable. But she remained still. She had an urge to cry, to fall down and weep out pieces of herself over the warm concrete floor. But she couldn't. She was frozen.

"The only one… just for me…" She muttered. Her cigarette had burned down to the filter and now singed her fingers but she took no notice. Instead her attention was drawn to the black hand gun resting in her right hand. "Vincent's gun…" she said slowly as she lolled her head to the right to rest on her comforting corner. She raised the gun slowly to her forehead, it was warm against her icy skin and she welcomed the feeling. _–'This is as close to touching him as I'll ever be… ever again… I'm not his only one… I'm not the one for him. But he is… he is the one for me.'_—Lucrecia brought her pack of cigarettes to her lips and she slowly drew one out. She lit it with her left hand, her right still held the black gun against her head. _'how Ironic… his only memento… the only thing he ever gave me… this gun, and the desire to use it.'_

She took a long, steady drag from her cigarette but didn't remove it from her mouth. The fumes flew up into her nostrils but it didn't bother her now… nothing could bother her anymore. She was empty… just a vessel for a soul that no longer wished to roam this earth.

Her mouth moved wordlessly and her cigarette bumped against her lips as she silently confessed her words to the world. "I want him to find me, I want him to fall in love… with _me_. But... if he cannot find me…." She cocked Vincent's gun.

"Then without your love… I would wither away and die."


End file.
